armchair: often applied to persons who are addicted to home-made views of matters in which they have no first-hand knowledge The Oxford English Dictionary
I have met many people who have no real knowledge of IBD or the accompanying treatments, but who nonetheless feel qualified to offer (unsolicited) advice on my disease, medication, diet and lifestyle.
Most of these people are simply misinformed, and do not understand how their ‘well-meant’ comments are often very unsettling and upsetting. Here are my thoughts on how to identify and tame a wild armchair expert.
The armchair expert’s natural environment
Of course you can be unfortunate enough to come face to face with an armchair expert any place, any time. But there are some factors which make the unwary IBDer particularly susceptible.
- IBD is a chronic condition – there is no cure (nor a conclusive explanation for its cause).
- IBD manifests differently in each individual. IBDers may have greatly varying experiences in terms of severity, symptoms, treatment and responses to treatment. Even within the course of your own disease there will be things you do at one time that you cannot do at another.
- IBD symptoms primarily involve the bowel and bodily excretions which are taboo topics in ‘polite’ society. As a result there is a lack of general knowledge about the disease, and many people do not appreciate how serious it can be for patients.
This lack of understanding is sometimes exacerbated by confusion about IBD (Irritable Bowel Disease) versus IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).
Irritable bowel syndrome is characterized by abdominal pain or cramping and changes in bowel function — including bloating, gas, diarrhea and constipation. Fortunately, unlike IBD (ulcerative colitis and Crohn’s disease), irritable bowel syndrome doesn’t cause inflammation or changes in bowel tissue or increase your risk of colorectal cancer. In many cases, you can control irritable bowel syndrome by managing your diet, lifestyle and stress.
The armchair expert thrives in this environment of uncertainty, ignorance and misinformation.
“I read an article which said Crohn’s is caused by wheat – should you be eating that sandwich?”
“My friend thought he had colitis but it turns out it was just stress – maybe you need to relax more?”
“My nephew doesn’t have dietary restrictions – why do you?”
“I think you probably just sleep too much / don’t sleep enough / exercise too much / don’t exercise enough .”
Beware: the dangers of the wild armchair expert
So, someone who doesn’t know any better makes a few unhelpful comments – what’s new? Why are IBD armchair experts so annoying, and sometimes dangerous?
The very fact that IBD is surrounded by uncertainty, ignorance and misinformation means that IBDers may be unduly influenced by such comments – and may easily lose confidence in their own knowledge, experience and the choices they have made about their health.
- It often takes years for a patient to become familiar with the nature of their own disease and comfortable with a chosen course of treatment.
- Even a ’seasoned’ IBDer can experience a sudden change in their symptoms which throws them back into a ‘novice’ phase of learning.
- Patients with chronic diseases such as IBD are often desperate for any sort of answer or hope for the future and may fruitlessly pursue ‘miracle cures’ (whether developed by opportunists looking for fast money or by people who genuinely believe in benefits of their own product).
Often, we still have many questions about our own disease and treatment, which we discuss with other IBDers (evidenced on active online forums), our doctors, family and friends. And, at times, we feel helpless and hopeless.
But we are never helpless nor hopeless as long as we are making positive decisions about our health and moving forwards, looking to the future. We should be confident enough not to be undermined by careless comments, and should also be able to recognise when we are being offered new information which might be useful. So how do I respond to armchair experts?
Taming a wild armchair expert
Isahrai captures an instinctive response to the armchair expert beautifully:
My closest friends have never given me unsolicited advice on how I should treat my cancer… They trust my decisions and they trust that I will ask for help or advice when I need it. They trust that I must be doing something right because I have been officially “terminally ill” since 2001 and I’m still here…
Now, the question is, that I pose to these dear, wonderful people… how can I convince strangers and acquaintances to shut the f*#% up and … how can I justify punching a woman in the face … when she asks “How dare you waste your life?” because I am drinking a glass of wine when she feels I should be eating nuts and berries and kum-bay-yahing my way to perfect health?
Of course, there are many (most) circumstances when punching someone in the face is not an option. I have become very angered by the thoughtless comments people have made and wished I could respond with something cutting and demeaning (often formulated some time later when I sit alone and still seething).
However, I doubt that this will have much productive effect on the armchair expert and it certainly does little to make me feel better. It is worthwhile remembering Hanlon’s razor, an adage which reads:
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
And so I have been tempted to stay silent and simply leave the conversation as soon possible. However, even assuming stupidity is the source of the comment (rather than outright malice) silently suffering the ignorance is as fruitless (and more frustrating) than responding in anger.
I have found that the best approach is a balance of honesty and accuracy, varied according to your level of comfort and the particular circumstance (no more, no less), delivered politely but firmly.
Offering more details than are necessary may encourage the armchair expert to embroil you in a long unwanted conversation on the topic. Being deliberately vague will lead the armchair expert to believe that you are truly ‘in the dark’ and require even more of their sound advice. And remember, you are not obliged to provide any detailed information (or discuss anything at all) if you do not wish to.
In the field with armchair experts
Here are a selection of the types of comments you might hear from an armchair expert – and possible responses:
“I read an article which said Crohn’s is caused by wheat – should you be eating that sandwich?”
Actually there are many theories about what causes Crohn’s and none have been conclusively proven. It has been concluded that the disease is not caused by wheat but there is often confusion because people may choose to exclude wheat from their diet for other reasons.
“My friend thought he had colitis but it turns out it was just stress – maybe you need to relax more?”
It can be difficult to accurately diagnose digestive diseases as there are many illnesses which share similar symptoms. However, IBD is very different from stress-related problems such as stomach ulcers and IBS.
“My nephew doesn’t have dietary restrictions – why do you?”
The symptoms and severity of IBD can be very different for different people. In terms of diet, each patient is encouraged to determine what works for them and I have found through experience that —– does not agree with me.
“I think you probably just sleep too much / don’t sleep enough / exercise too much / don’t exercise enough .”
Thank you for your concern, but that’s not an issue.
You can see this last response is a little short, intended to let the armchair expert know that this is not something you wish to discuss.
Of course if someone has seen a news item or read an article that they sincerely believe will assist you, there is no harm in inviting them to send you a copy when they have a moment. This will often sort those who wish to be genuinely helpful from those who simply wish to appear to be helpful.
Incidentally, I have also found the honest and accurate approach, without providing too many details, a good approach for explaining IBD to a new friend or acquaintance. Then let them decide how much more they want to know.
So, how do you deal with armchair experts?
This article was posted on 6 January, 2008
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